edit// 5.o6.o3

Trial and error, thats my definition of what relationships are. You win some and you lose some. I know it sounds ridiculous hearing it from a 17 year old with such a fragile mind, but when it comes down to the topic of relationships -- or the opposite sex, I know what I'm bound to be dealing with. Games. Yes, I've played that, and I've manipulated many minds to think that I was intrested of them in any sort. I've fucked up continuosly in every good thing I had in the past and never learned how to be appreciative of what was in front of me. I was selfish and pessimistic, always assuming that instead of me getting played firsthandedly, I would be the first to act upon being grimy. And let me tell you, kharma is a bitch. I never trusted and I was always scared with the thought of commitment. All my fears,negative views, and other distractions keeping me way out of love were finally distorted with the love and patience of one man.

A man so humble and incredibly REAL changed everything for me. All those other individuals who I have been in a relationship with -- whether it being strictly platonic or marking footprints in my life, I thank them for the experience they've blessed me with .. but nothing could ever compare to what I have now. Nothing. My sensitive heart only needed a source of comfort and there was no one who was willing to step over my high-standard boundaries. I love you D .. i love you with everything combined and there's no stopping to this.

Midterms can suck big salty balls. OKay, wait, let's hold off on that thought. I winged every test possible, which is a big NO-NO, but whatever, its over and done with. Since hell week was then completed,  decided to go treat myself and shop[even though I was suppose to shop for others-eeek!]

D picked Kryssie and Me up and rolled to Fordham with Mark and Josepth[mine and toni's little babyboi] ohyes. I bumped into Sammy [ old-OLD face in the past] what a shock, I hate him.. anyways.. we dropped everyone else home and D wanted to shoot some pool. We got lost for about half an hour,and he kept complaining about his rims and stuff - yes, becuz i sssoooo know about cars?

Time heals pain. A sweetheart from the past taught me that, and it is inevitable. Sorry if I might sound a bit presumptuous saying that I miss you, but I've done endless re-consideration about this entire mess, and I came with the conclusion of remaining platonic. I know, its not what I expected either, but I guess its just better for the both of us. Its hard on me because I never wanted a relationship in the first place, I never had any intentions of falling in love .. but its hard on you because I turned you into something you never were to other girls to begin with. If you recall, I gave you an ultimatum .. and I asked you to change. I havent seen those changes,partly because most of it was my fault, but how would I know that if we were to ever derive all over again, your "changes" won't be a hoax? I need to know. Actions speak louder than words.

Thank you for everything though. For your dedication and seeing so much beauty and potential inside of me. When darkness isolated me from everyone, you were the gift that brought light to my life. When silence surrounded me, your words of encouragement and understanding reached into my heart. And when the joy inside of me burned down, you reached deep down and rekindled my hurting heart. Thank you from my heart to yours. I'm sorry everything turned out this way.

[random] I was suppose to dedicate this entire entry to jerome.  but why? he didn't even recognize who was on the phone when kryssie and me called him, so we're calling this engagement off. I want the house,cars and karaoke system back - you keep the kids and the dog. LOL, whatthey know about our DIESEL matching attire and running-man gig?! LMAO, love you doOdez

Valentine's day is coming, what a GAY holiday. Its not even a holiday for heaven's sake. Why do we need a day to express and show our emotions to someone? It SHOULD be every day of the year. hmpfz. ohkay! who wants to make plans and fulfill my incompletion?! anyone? anyone? .. you suck

[edit] I owe treesha,melody,jerome and jay a big BIG apology. I don't feel like explaining all in detail what happened on friday but i'll email you, for now - xanga seems to  be the source of all acquired information.i love yoooooou -=****

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Bumping and grinding to" doo the brown" - thats what im talking about. Okay,so I promised myself that I wouldn't go out this weekend since I have 3 major midterms this upcoming Monday, silly me just couldn't bare the thought of not being at this party. It was worth it anyways >=). Coming home 2 in the morning wasn't half as bad as last week's strolling in 10 in the morning. *coughs* but who cares? moments like this, chilling with your girls and bugging out .. will be missed.

I didn't go to BLD, no ride -=T this sucks big salty balls. But ima see my girls melody and maymay soon! *gigglez* im excited, maybe this friday, i'll try. Silly manny was suppose to go there last night too, but he was dj'in the party - big upz Platinum Beats!

So this morning I had a bad hangover and momdookez came in my room. I told her that I had way too many liquor shots. She laughed and said " good.everyone needs alcohol in their system."WHOAH, was I hearing correctly or I must have still been in my 3rd stage of REM. whatever maria.

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treesha my dear,how funny is that you signed my xanga? I was just about to post up a picture that mikey sma11z sent me few days back. *sniffles* these were the good ol' days. When we " use to scrub around and do nothing." -quoted by president playa himself. When green scarves were in! LOL toni, kidding. the grimy days of fordham! taking the path and meeting in either newport[ugh] or the city. boy oh boy how time changes things.

anyways .. despite the somewhat shaky image of the instituiton of relationship, nearly everyone does engage in one and expect it to last.[gagz]For about half these couples though, that expectation will be realized.No one really knows exactly what it is that makes any particular relationship work. Sometimes, the most unlikely  combinations are incredible success. And in this brief space,there is little we can say on the subject. In my case though, there is yet few critical ingredients that I need .. and its a MUST. -- mutual respect.Mutual respect, both give and take. Treating your other with consideration,not demanding, or insulting. I'm a person whose big on on trust. I have to be honest, it takes a great deal of time for me to trust someone, its just the mere fact that it takes a LONG time for me to trust .. myself. what's the point of being in a relationship if none of those criterias exist?.. .

-- long entry, I needed to vent out before doing some hardcore studying/cramming. This entry will be well said for the next couple days. oh yeh,eric -- have fun on your burfday partayyy. tell her i said "wassup" LOL, jocker. that'll be even funnier when you read it -=)

D, stfu! *mwahz, god bless. midtems - why do I hate you with an undying passion?

[edit] - 3 midterms down, 2 more to go. Good luck janel on your driving test this friday! *mwahz,maybe if luck is on my side, i'll see you friday.

there, you clarrified things more than enough for me. So scratch my last entry which I edit,and I re-edited. No misinterpretations anymore I guess hmm? What does that matter, theres nothing that exists anymore anyway right?

doOp dee doOp, I put a new banner up, it pretty much speaks for itself. Its simple, I'm not talented like those other xanga webpage designer, sOo give the amatuer some props.

kryssie, with all the things you've done for me this past year [2oo2] and ongoing, I think I owe you and toni a novel entry. Thanks, with sweethearts like you two by my side, I know that 'I can make it through the rain.. ' See you wednesday, bake me brownies-thanks! oh you're my Angel. haha *cough

How is it hard sharing such an incredible mutual feeling with someone .. but not actually being able to share it with them?*637*

.. .stupid midterms take up so much of my time, ill hit everyones xanga up next time around m'kayz? i'll hold off with an entry for now, yerrr - easy. wish me luck on midterm, this baby grrrrrL needs it. *mwahz

[edit] someone please go to this boy's junior prom -hubbie_material, oh geez! LOL.. with that in mind, i need one for prom damnyt! im on a quest .. just like how American Idol is.

which leads me in asking .. how funny is that show?! good lord, i never knew how much untalented people could make me laugh. *snickers* okies. -kisses

--friday, ladies leave your man at home, its ladies night -=) true true. Don't you just hate those grimy inconsiderate of your feelings type of guy? just makes me wanna strangle them until they turn pretty shades of pink *giggles* .. tonight's the night -sighz

GHP hoLd me down like whoOoah! Can I honestly say that yesterday felt great and the memories between GHP was just rekindled. Chillin with kryssie, toni and nea just like back in the days was actually a relief and something I needed to boost my spirits up.

The thing about GHP familia is that regardless of all the friends and situations we've been in, we know deep in ou heart nothing could replace what first derived back in 1994' and so forth. I've encountered way many friends, but to be honest, GHP is just irreplaceable. They were the first group of girls to actually make me feel welcomed, and thats when I took my nationality pride to full effect.

MC is going to Kuwait today -=(, all four of us were in shock and quietly listened to what he said. Gahdayum, MC is .. well MC .. GHP's big brother, the one who looked out for us and took care of us when no one else did. God give him the strength and serenity and allow him to understand that he has a group of girls waiting for him to come back home safely -=* We love you.

So we went bowling in OPP[Original Pinoy Playahz]land. Talk about bringing it back in the days. We went with D, Mark and Daryl. It was fun, but I still dont understand why bowling gottah cheat and have two gutters instead of just one. It makes no sense!

After that, we took a trip to bergenfield since the guys claimed the night was " still young." Bastards, I needed my rest. SoOo we went, got the liqz, bought food [ white castle!-whatchu crave] and sang karaoke at daryl's house. Haven't done that kind of chilling bugging out in ages. So what do you do in these kinds of gatherings? Well.. you make fun of being filipino and exchange fob jokes! muwahaha

Nea's boyfriend : Can I have an order of 2 beeskweets? (biscuits)

My dad talking to my principal : I neber understand why ders no air-con in dis eschool.

You know you're filipino when you ask for a ball-pen instead of a pen. * When you say " open the lights " instead of " turn the lights on " * when you own a karaoke machine of some sort * when you eat kanin for breakfast * eat cold rice with noodles * if you have a ta-bo in your bathroom * hmmz .. what else am i missing?

p.s. - I lav yoo jerome!-=D